I have hit a wall. Not literally, although I have a strong urge to, but figuratively. I guess that January was always going to be hard. Adjusting back to work and normal life has been pretty difficult.
I returned to the gym this week. I really want to lose some weight and feel stronger and healthier in my body. It was hard. The gap between where I am and where I want to be feels so wide.
I printed off some of my photos from Christmas to send to my mother. I was also keen to see how they looked in print. They were awful! I need to look into getting my monitor calibrated. Apart from horrible colours, most of the pictures were out of focus and poorly exposed. The gap between where I am and where I want to be is huge.
I have loved being in the Facebook 52 group that I joined. There are so many inspirational photographers on there and it is a joy to see their work. It really is. However, as is the nature of Facebook, you get some pretty raw feedback about yourself from the number of Likes you receive. I can't help but notice that my photos have received very few in comparison to most others. I can tell myself all sorts of reassuring things to take the sting away. The aren't my best photos. Most of the other people on there are way more experienced than me. I will get better and I need to be patient with myself. Those things are certainly true, but it still hurts when I let my guard down. The gap between where I am and where I want to be is colossal.
The measure of self-esteem is the gap between where you see yourself now and the person you would ideally like to be.
I cannot keep focusing on the goals. I noticed at the gym that lots of people cover up the timer on the treadmill. I couldn't do it. I am the sort of person who wants to know exactly how many minutes there are until I am done. I guess that I have tried to apply that sort of mindset to my life goals and it just doesn't work. No one can tell me exactly how many days or pictures it will take before I have arrived at my destination. Hell, I might never even make it there. I need to avert my eyes from those goals so far away in the distance, and focus my attention on the process. I must keep my head down and enjoy the moment, savour it and learn from it. I need to get into the groove, find my stride, and take it one day at a time. If anything I should take brief glimpses back to see how far I have come. I may not ever get "there" but I will get somewhere.
I spoke to the boys about the sting I felt from Facebook. My beautiful boys were quick to tell me that they think my photos are brilliant and that they would "like" them if they saw them on Facebook. I thanked them and agreed that it was lovely to have lots of pictures to remind us of the good times we have. However, I also wanted them to know that I could accept the sting for what it was - painful feedback of where I am at right now. I can accept that and aim to get better. It is not within me to give up- not yet anyway!
I will complete this 365 one day at a time, but I hope to take part in some online training via Clickin Moms. If those women can't get me where I want to be, then no one can.
|f/2; 1/100; ISO 3200|
|f/2; 1/100; ISO 3200|
|f/2; 1/200; ISO 1600|
|f/2; 1/500; ISO 1600|
|f/2; 1/200; ISO 800|
|f/2; 1/160; ISO 800|
|f/2.5; 1/100; ISO 800|